Reasonable Requests


Dear Average Diner,

Hello, I am your server. I take it upon myself to make sure that you enjoy your meal. This includes recommending wines/drinks/food that may please and excite you. I do this with YOU in mind, not me. It is not about me telling you what the most expensive thing is on the menu, it is about me telling you what is really fucking delicious.

With that in mind, please remember the following things:

1. When I come to your table and say “good evening, how are you?” I DO expect a reply. A blank stare or awkward silence does not suffice. I really do want to know how you are so that I can treat you accordingly (if you’re pissed off or fighting with your date, I’ll leave you alone and interact with you as little as possible, if you’re happy and celebrating your 15th wedding anniversary, I’ll be more jovial and endearing.)

2. No, you may not have a burger in the elegant dining room. If you would like a burger, go park yourself at the bar and get away from my fucking table.

3. If you ask for the check, pay and LEAVE within 15 minutes.

4. If you have a screaming demon child, get him/her the fuck out of my restaurant. You are ruining the dining experience for those around you and you are SERIOUSLY pissing off your server who hates your kid and wants to drop kick him into a busy intersection.

That’s all for now,

Your Server



Dear Average Diner,

Hello, it’s me again – your patient outgoing waiter. How are you? Good you say? Excellent. We’re making progress! I have a few more things that I’d like to inform you of if you’d bear with me.

I understand that the restaurant I work at is a historic landmark, having been graced by hundreds of notable celebreties throughout it’s 70+ year existence. I also understand that it may be your dying wish to eat where I work considering it’s historic nature. However, while we do have “Booth One” where all the celebs sit, and we would be happy to seat you there, WE CAN NOT SEAT YOU THERE IF YOUR PARTY IS 10 PEOPLE. It’s a fucking booth, not a round table. If your party were four people we could squeeze you in. So stop asking if your 9 guests can join you there, because they can’t and won’t fit. Ever. Stop asking.

Furthermore, if you tell me that you’d like to have a nice, relaxed meal, I am going to treat you accordingly. There will be breaks of 5 – 12 minutes between your courses so that you may enjoy your company and drinks to the fullest. I inform you of this when you ask me to take things slow. I TELL YOU there will be good, healthy pauses between each course. So when you have to wait 9 minutes for your entrees to come after your first course is cleared, don’t snap at me about y our food. IT’S FUCKING COOKING. You told me to take it easy, and so I did. I’m doing what you’ve instructed me to do.

Lastly (for now), common courtesy does not go out the window when you enter a restaurant. Sometimes I feel like a parent to a bratty child, for instance, this exchange may occur:

Waiter: Is there anything els-
Guest: I need a coke!

In this instance, two things went wrong. First YOU INTERUPPTED ME. Do not interrupt me, it’s rude. Secondly, you demanded a coke which makes me liable to forget this, since we are not bartering for the release of hostages. Say PLEASE and THANK YOU. Have you ever observed the mother of a small child? When the child receives his food, what does the mother tell the child? “What do we say matthew?” and the child responds “thank you.”

If you disobey these rules, you may as well fuck off, because I don’t like you and I’m talking shit to the other waiters about you.

Your Server

Thanks to Peter


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