fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

congratulations, mom. you are still the only person who can make me feel like i’m absolutely fucking worthless.

should i have pressed the hospital harder, probably. should they have billed the right fucking address, certainly.

don’t you think that my credit score being fucked is enough punishment? is it absolutely necessary for you to tear my to fucking shreds on top of that?

i’ve never once been in credit card debt. i’ve never missed one fucking payment. but you make me feel like i just charged $900 at old navy that i can’t pay off. that’s not what happened. when the guy from the hospital called, i should have made more of an effort to get in touch with him. but, since he didn’t say what he wanted and he didn’t say this was about $900 fucking dollars, i let it go. i shouldn’t have and i know that.

i can’t believe that you can still make me feel so fucking bad about myself.

they get five fucking weeks??

dear congress,

i’m really confused regarding why you get more  vacation days than the rest of us do. plus, it’s not like our country is in perfect order or anything, so shouldn’t you really be using the time you are taking off to take care of things that need to be dealt with? if you’re too busy to talk about our education system during the time you are in session, then perhaps taking your vacations days to work on that would be a better use of time.

thanks,

registered voter

“Death means a lot of money, honey. Death can really make you look like a star”

dear web comics and their artists,

i know you want people actually showing up at your site and that’s why you don’t put the actual fucking comic in your RSS feeds, but then i have no real reason to subscribe to your site. if you give me some art and i get to like you, i swear to go to your site at least once during my eight hours on the internet per day.

deal?

i’d like to thank explodingdog.com and creaturesinmyhead.com for not kidding themselves and not offering rss feeds.

it’s possible she already knows

07.29.2007

dear mom,

im gay. oh well. im sure my siblings will do you good.

-j

dear self… why can’t you do that in real life?

superior dairy

07.26.2007

dear chocolate milk,

you’re brilliant and i love you.

xo

geico has become my savior.

dear anyone listening,

i’m sick to fucking death of commercials.

especially the ones where a reasonably pretty wife is asking her less than averagely attractive husband if she can spend their money on something arguably unnecessary.

this scenario followed by and overweight undereducated husband forgetting an anniversary and jokingly giving his adoring wife the pack of beer he just picked up makes me want to put a shotgun in my mouth.

maybe i should stop watching the food network.

[bobbly flay throw down is in the process of being classified as an addiction. as we speak.]

-a

san francisco will always have the best craigslist

03.11.2006

Ok, so I just found out that you’ve been writing about 25 emails a day to one of your female colleagues, all signed with the words “with bated breath”. GREAT! You seem to have decided that bisexual vegetarians with questionable hair choices are more up your alley. WONDERFUL! Oh, did you say that she cares about your academic career, unlike me, who is always at work? Great! I’m such a bitch, aren’t I, me with all of my work and bill paying. I’m glad that someone has the time to listen to you talk about postmodernism. That really takes a lot off my back. Actually, upon close inspection, it seems like this whole thing is taking a lot off my back. For example…

Things I Don’t Have to Do Anymore since You Have Found a Deeply Intellectual Fuck Buddy:
1. Pay your rent.
2. Get you through graduate school.
3. Hear the word “deconstruction” while I’m trying to eat a goddamn hamburger.
4. Fry bacon for you.
5. Pretend to enjoy CNN.
6. Pretend to care about all things academic.

Things I will Be Able to Do:
1. Buy shoes.
2. Eat chicken, which you find disgusting.
3. Shop at a store other than Target.
4. Unapologetically watch America’s Next Top Model.

So go ahead. Fuck her. I know you want to. I mean, you pretty much said so in that last email, now didn’t you? If you’d just get on with it, I could possibly have you out by the end of the month, and be able to enjoy all of next month’s pay check without having to buy any of your books or any of your pencils or any of your goddamn subscription-only foreign news channels. You’ve been to the movies, you’ve had study dates. The next logical step is fucking. So put down the goddamn books and get your mouth on hers. Let’s step it up! I want to go buy myself some shoes!

And yeah, I’ll be sad, and I’ll cry and I’ll eat some Ben and Jerry’s. But you know what? I won’t be homeless. You, my friend, you’re going to have to get a job that doesn’t involve reading Nabokov. So enjoy that. God knows I will. In fact, I’ll give you five bucks if you’ll just hurry the fuck up and get it over with. Take the money, dude. You’re going to need it.

Oh, and yeah, I did break into your email. So go ahead…tell me what you read in some obscure book about privacy. Tell me loud and long. Because I’m never going to have to hear that shit again.

who will help me understand the quadratic fucking formula?

dear portland community college,

if i’m paying the same price for my summer term classes as i do for all other terms, why is it that the library and the tutoring center are closed 42% and 20% more of the time (respectively) than they usually are? having 8 week courses means that i need as much extra help as i can get, and closing the library friday – sunday and only being open til 7:00 when i get off of work at 5:00 isn’t very helpful. shouldn’t i be paying you motherfuckers less if i’m not getting the same amount of resources?

not pleased,

me

“i would never let a guy buy me a drink, i’m a lesbian”

ex girlfriend,

i’m shocked that i didn’t die of laughter after hearing that my lesbian ex girlfriend [the only “lesbian” i’ve been with] is now “in love with her male roommate.”

i’ve gotta say, i’m surprised. we had many conversations about sexuality and how you were the only self proclaimed lesbian i had been with.

i hope cock works out for you,

-your [still gay] ex girlfriend

dear you,

your ability to constantly disappoint knows no bounds. it’s almost as impressive as the fact that once in a while we still get our hopes up.

i was upset sunday night about you not grabbing pie with us, but i got over it since i figured i’d be seeing your in vegas in a couple of weeks. but yesterday i heard that you are not coming to vegas because you’re going to nyc for 10 days to see a girl who has probably fucked about 4 guys since you last saw her. it’s awesome that i mean less to you than some girl who will forget your name the minute some hot guy decides he’d like to fuck her.

but, why am i even surprised…

-me

got a curse i cannot lift

dear the idiot females sitting next to me at the last concert i went to,

i understand that you guys were there on some sort of double date, as evident by the hand holding and giggling, but for fuck sake why must you talk through the entire fucking show?! Why were you there in the first place if you weren’t at all interested in hearing them? So that when your date asked you for a blow job that night he can point to the fact that he took you to see a band he liked? Your dates were obviously more interested in the show as indicated by them sitting in the row in front of you and listening to the music attentively.

In addition, when I finally turned to you and said, “hey, i really love this band and i’m having trouble hearing them,” giggling and responding with, “well you really should have said something. we didn’t know that you were trying to listen,” is unacceptable. i could almost understand, “we didn’t know you couldn’t hear,” but the former is just asinine.

in the future, please shut the fuck up.

thanks,

the girl sitting next to you

kid A

dear mom,

i’m really looking forward to coming home for the first time in 8 months, but not looking forward to the inevitable fight we will end up getting into. i’m not quite sure why it always seems to happen, but we both know that it will. if you lay off my weight, i’ll do my best not to overreact to what i perceive to be criticism. deal?

i love you,

me

sometimes it’s not “as easy as 1, 2, 3..”

Dear close friends,
Just because you have large breasts doesn’t mean you set the standard for all of womankind. It’s not like I am an AA-cup. I’m not even an A. I am a B, goddammit. A BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So stop implying that I have abnormally small breasts, or worse, completely non-existent ones.

And while you’re at it, kiss my non-existent ass, since you keep insisting I don’t have one.

–C

she’s a lucky little sister

I never thought id meet you,
in fact i never thought you even
existed. And then I heard, and
after the completely new emotions
had washed over me, I didnt
know if it could be true, or
if the thing in me that had
always been missing was you…
my sister…
I can only hope to be
there for you, I can only
hope to be the kind of big
brother you can rely on
for advice or for a lecture.
If it takes another 16 yrs
for you to want to meet,
i understand and just
knowing your around
is enough.

love

your brother

i’d like to think she got the notes

07.06.2007

Dear Kim,
Wow… been a while, hasn’t it?
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing to you. It’s not that I’ve run out of things to say, but… I guess I thought maybe I was depending on that too much. I still think of you often, but I keep these thoughts to myself for the most part. It seems better that way.
Today is your birthday. 23. It’s so weird to think about… the first birthday you celebrated when I met you was 13. I remember you writing me about your Hawaiian-themed party, and the awesome purse you got from your parents. It was a happy day.
Today, not so much.
I wonder, how might you have spent your 23rd birthday? Or your 21st? I don’t even know how you spent your last birthday… I missed that. I missed a lot of things, and now you’re gone.
I still remember the last time I heard your voice. You called me one day in July, 5 years ago. I remember, it was a hot day… kind of like today. We talked about nothing special. I didn’t know… if only I’d known it would be the last time….
I miss you so very, very much. It’s been almost 5 years now, and there is still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. You were the best friend I ever had… the best friend anyone could ever ask for. You changed my life just by being in it, and I’ll never forget that.
I wish I understood, Kim… I wish I knew why these things had to happen. But I guess I never will. I have to accept that.
Wherever you are… I hope you’re celebrating today. I love you.

Your pen pal 4->,
Mandy

cc: weather

07.04.2007

Dear everything,
Stop sucking, please.
Thanks.

Love, me

school’s out for…never.

dear summer school,

never again will i be dumb enough to think i can handle a full load. my declining gpa doesn’t quite seem worth the credits.

3.5 and falling,

me

happy new year

2007,
why do you seem so keen on me revisiting the past this year?
it’s making things a little hard and i’m unsure as what to do.
i do know that i’m not as tolerant of people and will tell them so.
is that why?
sometimes people and things from the past are meant to be unheard of or possibly even unthought of ever again.
i keep running into people or people contact me and i’m not really up for it.
people seem to misremember things, too.
& often people feel that time that’s passed is enough to forgive anything and everything.
that is not so.
there are some that i will look forward to reconnecting with and others that i will not.
please just be kind and don’t bring too many shocking surprises for me.
it’s kind of already been an off year.
at your mercy,
s

you never give me your money

07.11.2007

dear bank of america,

if i can’t afford to have more than $500 in my savings account, does it make sense to continue to take $3 from me each month??

poor and frustrated,

me

it will be worth the wait

06.22.07

 

Dear Future Significant Other, wherever you may be,
Please hurry up and introduce yourself into my life. As of now, there aren’t even any opportunities for an interest to appear. Please?
Waiting patiently,
Colleen